I Knew The Next Time Would Be Different

Reflecting back to my third c-section. Oh my. Was meeting baby precious. But it was my one time I showed up on the scheduled day and never went into labor.
Heartbroken, anxious. Wanting baby to pick the day of birth. Not the doctor. As my time slot was pushed back, I sat at the door of the OR watching them prep for me. Waiting. Seeing all the tools they would use on me.
This is was very normal for them. Not for me. I had shakes and chills and wanted to escape. Was this the way birth was supposed to be? I wanted to keep my baby inside, nothing felt like this should be the day. ‘Is she head down,’ I asked them. Yes, she was. But I wasn’t able to find a provider. So this is what is was for baby and me.
Seeing my baby was awesome, but it wasn’t the way I wanted it to be for us. I knew if there was a next time, I couldn’t do it this way again. I knew I would do whatever I needed to NOT do this again.
And as the years went by, I did. I found the strength. I found a doctor. I did it. I birthed the best way for me, my baby and my family. It wasn’t easy. Oppositions and challenges, but it was what I wanted. What I fought for. And I’m so glad I did.