The Day That Changed My Life
I looked at him with tears in my eyes as I attempted to keep them from running down my face.
Sitting there with my three children and my big baby belly, I wanted to express my feelings and my wishes. Students in the room while I was laboring would be a major distraction to me. Any other time in my life would be fine for someone to observe me, monitor me, even learn from me. I can be a science project, but not on this specific day. No, this day is about me. This would be my time, my day that I worked for. That I dreamed of. That I prepared for with every ounce within me.
“I’m an introvert. I respect what you are saying, but I’m sorry I cannot have people around me…anymore than are absolutely necessary. My life will change one way or another on this day,” I tell my doctor at my 35 week appointment.
I didn’t realize the weight of my words at that point in time. You see, that day, the birth of my baby did become a turning point for me. I walked into the hospital as a momma who was pregnant, had three previous C-sections, who dealt and struggled with fear for most of her entire life. And I left the hospital as a mom who conquered her fear, her worry, her anxiety because of her great, big, God. I left as a momma with her sweet precious fourth baby who arrived by a vaginal birth. I left with a greater faith in myself, a greater confidence in my capabilities, a greater confidence in the body….that it had not failed me, a greater appreciation for the beauty of birth. I left with a greater faith than I had ever had in my life, that my God was who He said He was and I could do what He said I could do.
I left with my head held high, my senses so acutely aware of all the sounds, smells, sights, feelings around me. It was almost like I was completely new again, reborn. The fears had fallen away. His love enveloped me. I have always known His love. But this, this was new. I could FEEL it. His presence…powerful. His promises… true. As I had worshipped Him in labor, I continued to worship Him when I left the hospital to start what would be a new life for me in many ways.
And to be just so very real, I couldn’t cope with His goodness. I cried. A lot. Postpartum hormones, they say. No, my friends. It was the presence of God. The conquering of fears that plagued me. That I’m not enough. That I can’t do these kind of things. That I don’t have it within me. But He said, “Yes, my daughter. You can. With me, You can.”
So the tears that were explained as postpartum, well they have continued. Everyday since this birth, my eyes have felt wet, my cheeks have been streaked. Yes, a beautiful baby in my life. One of my most deepest desires. Another, precious, darling baby. But you see, I cry for more than that. I cry because of His goodness. His love. His power. His mighty, mighty love for me. I realize that yes, He did want this birth experience for me. He wanted this pregnancy for me, this baby. He wanted this entire journey so I could learn once again, I can trust Him. Even with my life. The scare tactics of the medical world, the doubts of those surrounding me, the uncertainty portrayed everywhere on the ‘safety’ of what I was doing. These were real thoughts I faced, minute by minute, day after day. As my baby grew within me, I was growing as well in the Lord. “Trust Me, daughter. I have you. I am blessing this. Trust Me.”
And I did. Some may look at me and see the same person they knew before. But I am not. This birth has changed my entire life and I cannot get over it. I cannot get over his goodness. His love and goodness that has moved me to be a better wife, daughter, mother, sister and friend. Someone who can be with her children and enjoy her life because she trusts in her God instead of a constant worrying about everything. I can trust Him.
What concerns your heart? What mountain do you face? What is in front of you that looks more than you can possibly handle and keeps you awake at night…doubting. He doesn’t change. He is the same God of the Bible, the Mighty One able to perform miracles. The One who wants to pull us close and make those fears fade. Just like a memory. To know His love. To really know Him like it’s our everything. That’s when the other stuff falls away. And We. Can. Just….be.
Be and remember. Remember what He has done. What He has done in your life. Because that looking back on things…it helps us as we move forward to keep trusting. Keep resting. Keep believing. He’s the same. And if you don’t know this kind of love, you can.